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Disclaimer: We did our best to make fun of both candidates equally so don't be offended. The quotes in the article are not completely accurate. This is purely for fun, so try to laugh at what's funny, and don't get upset.
If you find this article funny, you might also enjoy this one: My First And Last Spartan Race Ever
We were all shocked when the candidates, whom we thought would never agree on anything, decided together that they would forgo future debates and run an Obstacle Course Race instead. They were quoted as saying, "We'll let our performances on the course speak for us."
We had the chance to speak with both candidates before the race to see how they were feeling and what their strategy would be.
Biden: "Will you shut up, man? Do you have any idea what this clown is doing? I've been training for this for 47 years. Can I have just another 4?"
Trump: "I am going to win this race like you've never seen before. There have been great races but none like this. This will be the greatest race probably in the history of the world. There have been a lot of great races, but none like this."
There was extreme tension as both candidates toed the start line. Biden seemed sleepy and unaware while Trump would not stop talking and interrupting the start line announcer. Finally they were off!
The first obstacle was monkey bars. Trump jumped up but just couldn't hold on because his hands are too small. Crowds on Trump's side were furious that the rungs on the monkey bars were too thick and no human could possibly hang on. "He is being treated so unfairly!"
Biden was seen looking for a teleprompter to give him instructions. Supporters on his side wanted to shrink down the bars, make them padded, and give each person $600 so that they could be taxed more to build better monkey bars.
The second obstacle that the candidates faced was a Low Hurdle. After years in politics and business, they both cleared the obstacle by completely ignoring it. Next up, they came to the Barbwire Crawl. As if they'd conspired together, both men "snuck" off course while a body double came in and did the crawl for them. It appeared as though they'd rather have someone else do the dirty work for them.
We finally got a chance to talk with both candidates when they reached the first water station. At this point, they were neck and neck with no way of knowing who would win.
Biden: "Look, in 1,000 years, or 7 years, or you know, uh, there will be no water left on the earth and we will all have bulging veins in our necks with no water to drink. Here's the deal, what I want you to think about at home is that he needs to leave his bunker, stop playing golf, and make a plan because he has no plan.
Trump: "This water is fantastic. It did not come from any of the cities with a Democratic governor. It's a real shame what's going on there, a real shame. I get along with them, and they love me, but it's a real shame. And they know it, and their water knows it. They could be great cities, and very wet cities, with immaculate water."
We polled 100 spectators at the event to see who they thought would win the race. We had some responses for candidates who weren't racing, which we found odd.
Both candidates were met with a challenge when they came upon the Sandbag Carry. They were used to being carried by the people around them, so they were confused at first when the official gave them the instructions and that they'd have to do some of the lifting for once. Eventually, both completed the obstacle...but it wasn't pretty.
A huge scene happened right in the middle of the race. A member of Biden's team ran out on the course swearing that Trump only paid $0.99 for his entry fee instead of the millions of dollars that he was supposed to. Trump's supporters screamed "fake news!" at Biden's supporters who said "This wouldn't have happened if he had mailed his check instead of showing up in person."
Biden: "The fact is, you're a lying dog-faced pony soldier. Everyone knows he's a liar. We should wait. We should wait to see what the outcome of this race is. Mail in registration has always worked."
Trump: "I've paid billions in race entry fees. Probably more than anyone has ever paid before. Mail in registration doesn't work. You've seen it happen all the time. So many registrations are lost or thrown out like we've never seen before. All in Democrat run cities by the way. The Democrats want to take away your races but I we can't let that happen.
We looked around to see if we could find Hunter Biden to comment on his Dad's performance so far in the race. We were told he couldn't make it because of some business with Ukrain? Upon interviewing Melania Trump, she said "I was 5 years old when I did my first catwalk and did commercials at 16. To marry a man like Donald Trump you need to know who you are."
It appears that, at the forty minute mark in the race, and coming up to the Wall obstacle, President Trump stopped, called in three different construction companies, and now has plans to build it six times higher, and may even extend it a few hundred miles in each direction. He's quoted as saying, "What kind of wall is that? I'm going to build the biggest, best wall you've ever seen, and we're going to make China pay for it." He was at the wall for hours before continuing the race.
While President Trump was calling in cranes, cameras lost track of Biden. We thought he'd simply found a dead spot in our film coverage, but after two hours of waiting, he still hadn't been seen anywhere. Later one of our reporters found him back at home in his basement taking a nap. His staff was able to wake him up after repeated attempts, and they finally got him back on the course.
Both candidates crossed the finish line but neither side could agree who won. Riots, violence, and destruction broke out between the two sides. We were able to get statements from each candidate before things got too crazy.
Trump: "Fake news. We won like never before. The race was rigged by the Democrats and crooked Hillary with the FBI and Obama. I was spied on and have not been treated fairly. The rioters need to stop. I can send in the military and have it all cleaned up in 30 minutes. They are all Democrats from Democrat run cities. But the race market is great. The economy was booming like never before. The number of unsponsored athletes was the lowest in history. This is a V shaped recovery and we are coming back like you'd never believe. Obstacle and referee jobs are coming back by the millions and people want to work. The protesters on our side are good people. Antifa are the real terrorists."
Biden: Antifa is an idea. You don't see them literally doing what you see them doing. Look, what matters is that you at home have an equal opportunity to race just like everyone else without this bully trying to stop you. The American people want a fighting chance, so please mail in your race registration. Don't listen to this clown. Mailing is safe and you should do it. It has worked time and time again. We will raise you race entry fee but only to improve the obstacles and courses and not run out of water. I have a plan and we have to act now.
Perhaps our candidates might have performed better if they'd had training from Trio Fitness OCR (you like what we did there?). Visit our Training Programs to find out more about the training we offer.
